"you’ve broken [a bone in your body]", "i’m sorry you’re card’s been declined" (while at mcdonalds) or "i think we should break up".
[i had started writing this strange mind vomit full of witty remarks and subtle jabs to cover my emotions, but i decided the reason behind this post deserved some real talk]
i’m on struggle street. the fact is i had to say that final quote last week and it hurt. it hurt endlessly. i still care for the person who had to hear it, i still love him (not in the say “i love you” way) but it became apparent to me that we need to stop seeing each other. yet, in my conclusions, which i thought were solid enough to withstand tears; i ached. my heart actually ached. not in a way that was a “we’re meant to be together, i should turn back on this decision” but just in how much pain you can consciously cause another human being to feel.
i always thought i could navigate through life without hurting someone consciously. and i know that i’ve hurt people unconsciously… which is also horrible, but there’s such a difference in seeing the consequences to your actions unfold in front of you. i didn’t want to hurt him, but i knew i would. the thing i never could’ve imagined is how much. even now, days later, i am lethargic and constantly on the verge of, if not already, crying. i feel selfish, but i know it’s for the best; i just wish life wasn’t so cruel.
"you’ve got to be cruel to be kind" makes a little bit more sense to me now. knowing my feelings and his, deciding what i have, to be kind. i wonder why my heart is so soft, my eyes so prone to tears, my mind so lacking in words. my housemate explained to me that i wasn’t crying for myself, that i was crying for him; and i never understood until she breathed those words. i have an empathetic heart. i just wish there were more letters to distract from the ‘pathetic’ part of that sentence.
–four seasons in one day, crowded house.
–J.D. Salinger; Seymour - An Introduction
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